I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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