Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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