I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
