i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
