Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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