I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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