I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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