so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Lo siento on account of my penis...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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