I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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