Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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