remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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