I puked a lego.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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