I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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