life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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