I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
