You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
