i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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