Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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