I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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