Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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