Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
