Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
