There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
