did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
