I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
