I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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