At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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