Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
