I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
