a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
we're so committed to being not committed
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
