You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
