i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
