Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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