a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
