can we get nightvision for the apartment?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
