after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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