Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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