Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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