ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
