Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
