i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
