I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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