i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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