I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
