I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
