did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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