You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize