So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
