I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
