if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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